Memoir Interrupted

2025 has meandered in with much uncertainty, angst, and a bit of anger.

So, I wanted to update you and let you know that I haven’t forgotten my wonderful subscribers. I have been in a lot of physical pain, weird symptoms and mental “blah”.

Early December I found out that my cancer was growing again, and the blood test numbers were higher than I had ever seen them. Not gonna lie, I was taken by surprise.

2024 was just one of those “sick” years. Always some little something dogging me and undermining my ability to feel my usual fabulous. Dizzy spells, months of staying close to my commode, no appetite, my bones ached. Which was a residual side effect of my original chemo from 2013- the ache and neuropathy has lingered.

Now we know how to connect the dots from all of that and bottom line: the cancer is back.

I had an appointment with my Oncologist scheduled for the week before Christmas, everything would come together then-once I spoke with him. I hoped.

Nope. He took that week off at the last minute and the medical group insisted that I keep the appointment and see an Oncology NP in the office. My insides were coming unglued.

First, I have never had good experiences with Nurse Practitioners. No offense, if you happen to be one.

Second, he knows nothing about my case.

Third, they blew up his schedule with extra patients because of my doc’s absence.

Against my better judgement I acquiesced and went to the appointment. Sure enough, the guy was harried, unkempt and clearly in a hurry. He scheduled me for what, in my estimation, was a bogus biopsy in the right Axilla lymph node. That lymph node was possibly the size of a pea.

I did that biopsy knowing they were just “keeping me busy” until my doc returned. It was not a full-fledged unnecessary surgery situation. But you can bet your bottom dollar, it was right on the line! The results were laughable. The results indicated blood and debris in the sample, which had a 17% viability factor, hence this test could not be relied upon for diagnosis. You don’t say?

Next, I had a Bronchoscopy (biopsy) to see about the area in my lung that is most likely the culprit. This is the location of my last two recurrences. When my surgeon cut out the right middle lobe of my lung, he admitted he could only get so close in cutting/scraping on this bronchial stem. He was concerned because it’s right next to my heart. He warned me that it could show up again. I have metastasized colon cancer in my lung. Bless the Lord, it has not found a home in other areas of my body.

I just finished Radiation treatment yesterday. I really do not feel well yet, my readers. I shared with my radiologist how bad I have felt with radiation this time. (I had radiation two years ago.). I told him my left lung was really hurting, my bones ache, I’m wobbly so my husband was driving me to these appointments. I usually drive myself. (There’s a reason for that!)

The radiologist literally dismissed my symptoms by saying, “I really don’t expect these to be related to the treatment at all. Something else must be going on.”. The guy didn’t even listen to my lungs. Then, later that night his report for the visit showed up in my chart with his assessment: “ These symptoms patient is referring to could be signs of early infection”. Are you kidding me??

Chemo starts next week in pill form, oh and intravenously. Since I refuse a port.

I am a task-oriented person, routine gives me enormous comfort. I have handled each diagnosis as just another task to be checked off and on with life, you know? I’m afraid that I am starting to get angry and weary.

Finally, I talked to my main oncologist on Feb. 7. He was strangely intense, almost panicked about my case. Talking about maybe surgery to remove the whole right lung, having port receipted chemo, radiation- on and on. They told me two years ago I would not be eligible for radiation in this area again. Yet, there I was back on the table. Chest exposed, being mapped and zapped.

I really had no time for cancer in 2012/2013. That was my first shocking diagnosis. I was working at a funeral home (oh the irony), 55 hours per week. I compartmentalized the situation. One day at a time I kept doing my best to get through it.

There was a breast cancer survivor in my office (her sister had it also and sadly died.) Who seemed especially angry with me, simply since I seemed to be handling cancer in stride. Several people often said to me that they didn’t know how I was doing it. I only knew it was the Grace of God. Other stupid comments were made to my face, undermining my experience, as if it weren’t real. I just kept going.

Well, this is long enough for a somewhat rambling rant. I wanted to update you so you would know that I haven’t just tapped out, flaked out or faded out.

I am editing Trauma Core, CH 24. Soon, I promise.

I pray that this year is much less disjointed for you and if it isn’t, remember that you too, are

A Warrior. 🌻